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the first dream i had had to do with a track and some guy (maybe the same guy from my second dream) were being innocently flirtatious (a little, not much). were were running. it was a two lap thing – an 800. he asked me to do this thing in front of everyone and lead me out into the center of the track where the green grass is  – we lay down there. the plan is to jump up and immediately chase one another around the track for two laps. i confirm it is me chasing him. i mentioned that guys are faster than girls. it sounded fun but two laps is a lot – i thought it would be less, but that’s ok. (i can see this obvious metaphor in waking life and it makes me laugh out loud).

in the second dream, it was at my mom’s house/childhood home (i believe). i may have been drunk, i’m not sure, but i fell asleep with b’s other rooommate (not the one i dreamt about last time). it was completely innocent, but i was sure b was going to be pissed. the roommmate whispered something to me and i only heard “best friend.”  i found out b was in jason’s room (who is jason?)… which i think was my brother’s room down the hall. so i went in there, jason was in the big bed in that room, and b was sleeping alone in a twin bed up against the left wall. i crawled in bed and under the covers with b. i hadn’t brushed my teeth and i felt i had gunky stuff on my front teeth and probably stink breath. he was totally fine. i kept saying i love you and snuggling with him (as i do – or did – often in real life) and he was just loving me right back. he was not pissed which was totally relieving. i got a glimpse of his cute face through the tangle of covers and it looked like sunlight or something was on it. (i’m always dreaming of my mom’s home/my childhood home as a metaphor for what feels like “home” it makes sense b is still in my home, but not in my core room… but slightly down the hall)

1. my childhood home from when i was born until i left for college (tucker, ga) (this is the closest thing to “home” to me)

2. mcscandalous hall with megan and angela – saint mary’s college – freshman year (south bend, in)

3. breen phillips hall with india – university of notre dame – sophomore year (south bend, in)

4. the landward with 6 other girls – ND study abroad – one fall semester – (london, england)

5. breen phillips hall with swest – one semester – ND – (south bend, in)

6. turtle creek with jenye, mk, and swest – summer through senior year (south bend, in)

7. hayden hall with jessie, laura, and lauren – NYU dorms off washington square – summer between 4th and 5th year (nyc)

8. the theatre house with tom and dave – ND – first month or two of my 5th year (south bend, in)

9. college park with (? can’t remember her name) – ND – rest of 5th year (south bend, in)

10. my poppa’s house in CT – summer after ND – (woodbury, ct)

11. with joie on the upper west side for a couple months during the weekdays (nyc)

12. a month subletting at walling’s place on the upper west side (nyc)

13. living with bratley on the lower east side – 6 months or so (nyc)

14. living in williamsburg with becky and katie – 6 months or so (nyc)

15. living with bethany on via cacciatore del sile (7) in  for 14 months (treviso, italy)

16. living with brett and andrew back in windsor terrace for a few months (nyc)

17. living in grand ave for almost 3 years (nyc)… my longest stint since childhood.

so two seconds ago, i was thinking about how people change. (well, more specifically – significant others). nns was a cute boy in jeans, bright colored t-shirts, and a rockstar hair cut when we left italy. he smoked pot and loved different types of beers and that fancy tequila. he’d tell me to brush my teeth before i went to bed so that he wouldn’t have to pay for my dental bills when we were old. fast forward til now – he is a sikh with a huge turban (well it’s getting bigger and bigger last i looked at his tagged pictures on facebook), wearing a knife (i can’t remember the correct name for it), meditating every day, chanting sankrit prayers for hours every day, using “god” often in conversation, wanting to get married (and not date), and be abstinent til marriage, and not eating fish or drinking or smoking anything – and he wouldn’t even kiss me if i had a sip of alcohol. he decided we weren’t on the same wavelength (so don’t worry about those dental bills) but then came back around and wanted to marry me (but not date) but the catch was that i’d have to wait for him to do 9 months in india at a school – which was the answer to all his prayers. until, he came across a conservatory and the school didn’t look so appealing anymore – so i would have to wait for him to do the conservatory now. his actions showed me i’d always be 2nd or 3rd in line, and i didn’t want to be with someone like that – as much as i loved and still love him. he still is the person i love at the core (through all these changes), actually i know this. so this whole rant on impermanence makes me feel better because people i deeply love, i always love. i guess i just have trouble as the surface things move like fast moving clouds. which brings me to b who i never thought would change, and now after spending the greater majority of 8 months chasing me, and finally getting me to open my heart as big as his, he has decided that he needs to be single for a while. in my clear headed moments, i agree with him and see where he’s coming from. in my pain body, i’m fucking pissed. in my clear-headed-ness, i also know our love and connection doesn’t go anywhere. anyway, so after this thought (which really only took a few seconds but took much longer to write – much like a dream), i opened my email to see the one at the top from my yoga studio say in the subject line “The only constant being change…” YUP.

and more about nns: even tho there is some pissed-ness in my words about how he went about things, when i really think of it, from a good place, i am not mad at him. but i feel (i really feel it!) compassion and love for him as a person that is doing his best, and so open to growth, and going through much growth. i guess i “expect” him to be perfect and handle things perfectly (not sure why the bar is so high with him). i really love how “open” he is.. not a lot of people are that open.